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SEVEN QUESTIONS

You Wish You
Could Ask

YOUR DOG

Imagine if your dog could talk, even just for one day.It would be the best. They’d tell you how much they love you, crack jokes about all the weird stuff you do around the house, and maybe, just maybe, reveal all their canine secrets.

WHAT’S UP WITH SNIFFING
PEOPLE IN AWKWARD PLACES?

I mean, I could shake hands, but that’s really only good for being told you’re a good boy. Sniffing someone gives me way more information about who they are, where they’ve been, do they have a dog, what’d they have for lunch, etc. It’s not my fault that crotches are at my nose level.

CAN YOU KEEP YOUR NOSE TO YOURSELF?
WHY DID YOU HUMP THAT GUY’S LEG?

IS HUMPING A
WEIRD SEX THING?

I’m not going to lie, when the urge strikes, any leg will do. But it’s not always a sexual thing. Sometimes I just have too much energy. Or maybe a health issue, like a UTI. Other times, I’m trying to show that I’m the alpha or just playing around. And yes, sometimes I’m just trying to get attention — is it working? Look, I’m humping your couch cushion RIGHT NOW.

WHEN YOU BARK,
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

That Timmy’s in the well — just kidding. Mostly I’m trying to say that I’m stressed, worried, or lonely. But when people hear barking, a lot of times they think I’m acting out, so I get even more stressed, and I bark more....what can I say, I have a lot of feelings and only one volume to express them at.

WHY ARE YOU BARKING?
WHERE DO YOU STAND ON HUGS?

YOU LOVE HUGS DON’T YOU?
DON’T YOU? WHO’S MY BABY?

Here’s the thing. I love you so much, but hugs aren’t always my favorite. The baby talk I can deal with but being held too tight can stress some of us dogs out. Belly rubs on the other hand...

WHY DO YOU
CHASE SQUIRRELS?

DID YOU SEE HOW FAST IT’S MOVING! LET’S GET IT, LET’S GET IT LET’—I’m sorry, what I meant to say is, I have this thing called “prey drive.” I’m working on it. Until then, you should probably keep me on my leash.

SQUIRRELS—SHOULD WE CHASE THEM?
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE OTHER DOGS?

WHY AREN’T YOU
INTERESTED IN OTHER DOGS?

Come on, I’ve seen you play Candy Crush to avoid making conversation with people. Dogs can totally be introverts too, which means I’d just rather chill on my own than sniff some rando.

WHY DO YOU FREAK OUT
WHEN STRANGERS SAY HI?

Because they show their teeth! That’s what you do before you growl and bite someone. Not cool, man. Now can we go and get some treats?

WHY DO YOU FREAK OUT?

Until dogs can talk, ask us your questions instead.

Find a store nearby or chat with us online.

CAN YOU KEEP YOUR NOSE TO YOURSELF?

WHAT’S UP WITH
SNIFFING PEOPLE IN
AWKWARD PLACES?

I mean, I could shake hands, but that’s really only good for being told you’re a good boy. Sniffing someone gives me way more information about who they are, where they’ve been, do they have a dog, what’d they have for lunch, etc. It’s not my fault that crotches are at my nose level.

WHY DID YOU HUMP THAT GUY’S LEG?

IS HUMPING A
WEIRD SEX THING?

I’m not going to lie, when the urge strikes, any leg will do. But it’s not always a sexual thing. Sometimes I just have too much energy. Or maybe a health issue, like a UTI. Other times, I’m trying to show that I’m the alpha or just playing around. And yes, sometimes I’m just trying to get attention — is it working? Look, I’m humping your couch cushion RIGHT NOW.

WHY ARE YOU BARKING?

WHEN YOU BARK,
WHAT ARE YOU
SAYING?

That Timmy’s in the well — just kidding. Mostly I’m trying to say that I’m stressed, worried, or lonely. But when people hear barking, a lot of times they think I’m acting out, so I get even more stressed, and I bark more....what can I say, I have a lot of feelings and only one volume to express them at.

WHERE DO YOU STAND ON HUGS?

YOU LOVE HUGS DON’T
YOU? DON’T YOU?
WHO’S MY BABY?

Here’s the thing. I love you so much, but hugs aren’t always my favorite. The baby talk I can deal with but being held too tight can stress some of us dogs out. Belly rubs on the other hand...

SQUIRRELS—SHOULD WE CHASE THEM?

WHY DO YOU
CHASE SQUIRRELS?

DID YOU SEE HOW FAST IT’S MOVING! LET’S GET IT, LET’S GET IT LET’—I’m sorry, what I meant to say is, I have this thing called “prey drive.” I’m working on it. Until then, you should probably keep me on my leash.

WHY DON’T YOU LIKE OTHER DOGS?

WHY AREN’T
YOU INTERESTED
IN OTHER DOGS?

Come on, I’ve seen you play Candy Crush to avoid making conversation with people. Dogs can totally be introverts too, which means I’d just rather chill on my own than sniff some rando.

WHY DO YOU FREAK OUT?

WHY DO YOU
FREAK OUT WHEN
STRANGERS SAY HI?

Because they show their teeth! That’s what you do before you growl and bite someone. Not cool, man. Now can we go and get some treats?

Until dogs can talk, ask us your questions instead.

Find a store nearby or chat with us online.